Condensed Books (and Movies)

The idea of condensed books is stolen from RinkWorks, a website that Lady Clare showed me. Under their book-a-minute page, the webster is greeted by the words,

We at Book-A-Minute understand that your time is valuable. You want to experience the wonder and excitement of the fine art of literature, but reading actual books requires a significant time investment. We've got the solution for you. Our ultra-condensed books are just the ticket.

E.g. THE COMPLETE WORKS OF JANE AUSTEN

Female Lead:
I secretly love Male Lead. He must never know.
Male Lead
I secretly love Female Lead. She must never know.
(They find out.)
THE END

So, without further ado - my condensed books and movies.

LES MISERABLES
By Victor Hugo

Javert: I tell you he's alive!
Police: Yeah, right.
Javert: Yet I will find him.
He finds him. Valjean gets away.
Javert: I tell you he's alive!
Police: Yeah, right.
Javert: Yet I will find him.
He finds him. Valjean gets away.
Repeat the above as often as necessary. In the meantime, a revolution occurs, and everyone shoots, gets shot at, falls in love, and come to profound realiztions in sentences that last a page.
Javert: I'm alive! (thinks a moment) Yeah, right. (splash)
Valjean gets away one last time, and more than a cenutry later Boublil and Schonberg are rolling in cash.

THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL
by Baroness Orczy

Marguerite: He's doomed!
Chauvelin: I'm damned.
Percy: I'm demmed! I'm deemed dumb. Dum de dum dum dum. But not really.

THE ELIXIR OF LOVE
By Gaetano Donizetti

He got drunk once and she didn't want him. Then he got drunk again and she did.

THE COMPLETE CANON OF RUSSIAN LITERATURE

Women: (Scream)
Men: I am severely depressed and going through a crisis. I'd better kill somebody or become extremely spiritual in an odd way.
Women: (Scream!)
Men: I have insomnia, I am drunk, I am penniless, and the world holds no meaning for me.
Women: (Scream!)
Men: I think I will go to Siberia/America.
Women: (Scream!) It can't be!
Men: Shut up. I love you, and I can't stand you. Pass the vodka. The world is beautiful. I am very happy.
Women: (Scream!)
Men: Be quiet. I love everything passionately. I hate everything passionately.
All together: (Scream!)

THE COMPLETE WORKS OF ROSSINI

Lovers: Let us go away and marry! We must hurry! Yes, yes, we are going to leave the room. Yes, yes, we will go very silently. Yes, we must leave at once. We cannot dilly-dally. Yes, let us go immediately. Let us set off at once. We have no time to lose. Let us leave, let us hurry. Yes, let us get started.
Guardian: What are you two doing together? Off to a convent with you, my dear!
Lovers: Oh, my head is reeling! Pardon us - love was the cause of everything.
Guardian: Well, in that case I forgive you, and give my consent.
Lovers: Hooray! Long live love! Long live love!

I have many more, but that is enoguh for now.